Stop Saying "I'm proud of you" To Your Children
May 20, 2021, by Psychosexology W/ Gayatri
We all see parents posting the posts about their children when they achieve something with the status saying that "I'm proud of you". But, have you ever wondered, why parents say that and then post that?? Why parents need to show off the world that their kid is good at something??? And why not parents post the failures, disabilities of their children? What is the psychological reason behind it??? And what parents really get out of this??? And how children really feel about it??
It's always great feeling for parents when they see their child achieving something or doing well in something and that's the reason they feel proud of it. But, the question is, why you feel proud of your child when he achieves something??? Are you feeling proud of your child only becuase it makes you feel great as a parent or only because of praise you receive from society as a great and successful parent?? If you are the one who making your child your pride then let me tell you, why you shouldn't.
Everytime when you priase your child by saying you are proud of them. You make them believe that they have to keep on doing that thing in order to get the praise and to make you feel proud of them. So, no matter if your children likes to do it or not they will still do it just to get your attention and love and to make you feel proud of them. Which in turn will also stop them from exploring into the areas of their interests. And which in turn will make them suffer for not being able to do what they really want to do. And your children will end up thinking that, you love them only for the qualities and talents they have. And when you will say, you are not proud of them, if they fail at something, they will start feeling sad and might feel that they are not good enough. They will start loosing their confidence and self esteem will also get affected. Your pride and praise can lead to develop performance anxiety in your children as they are nervous and stress about what will happen if they fail at something. And they will struggle so hard to be the one you want them to be rather than the one they want themselves to be. For you and society, you might end up feeling great as a parent but, in reality you are failing as a good parent and you are being abusive parent.
It's always great feeling for parents when they see their child achieving something or doing well in something and that's the reason they feel proud of it. But, the question is, why you feel proud of your child when he achieves something??? Are you feeling proud of your child only becuase it makes you feel great as a parent or only because of praise you receive from society as a great and successful parent?? If you are the one who making your child your pride then let me tell you, why you shouldn't.
Everytime when you priase your child by saying you are proud of them. You make them believe that they have to keep on doing that thing in order to get the praise and to make you feel proud of them. So, no matter if your children likes to do it or not they will still do it just to get your attention and love and to make you feel proud of them. Which in turn will also stop them from exploring into the areas of their interests. And which in turn will make them suffer for not being able to do what they really want to do. And your children will end up thinking that, you love them only for the qualities and talents they have. And when you will say, you are not proud of them, if they fail at something, they will start feeling sad and might feel that they are not good enough. They will start loosing their confidence and self esteem will also get affected. Your pride and praise can lead to develop performance anxiety in your children as they are nervous and stress about what will happen if they fail at something. And they will struggle so hard to be the one you want them to be rather than the one they want themselves to be. For you and society, you might end up feeling great as a parent but, in reality you are failing as a good parent and you are being abusive parent.
So, what you should do???
Before, knowing this, ask yourself, why are you expecting your child to be talented and perfect and why are you forcing your expectations on them??? Does the praise from society matters so much that you are okay with the fact that your irrational expectations can drag your child into depression where they will start hating themsleves for the talents they don't have???
Stop Showing Conditional Love
You need to understand that every child is different. They have different interests, different talents. So, stop comparing them with other children
and forcing your children to do what they don't like to do. And stop saying "I'm proud of you" when they do something great. As they will end up thinking that your love for them is conditional. Most of the parents who has failed to achieve their dreams, try to fulfil their inner desires and dreams from thier child. But, you need to understand that, they have not borned to fulfil your desires. They have their own. Rather than making them dream through your eyes, let them dream with their own eyes. It's their basic human right. Stop expecting things from your children and making them your pride. Your children didn't choose to born. You are the one who choose to give them a birth. So, your children don't owe you anything. But, you owe them everything.
Teach them it's okay to be imperfect
Along with their success, also accept their failure, flaws and disabilities. Don't make them hate themsleves for the talents and things they don't have. Tell them it's okay to not do the things which they don't want to, only to get praise from people. Tell them it's okay to not follow the paths of others.
Respect their opinions & preferences
You need to understand that not all children want to be great at studies or in some specific areas. Not everyone wants successful life. Some just want to live a normal life with satisfaction. They have their own opinions and preferences about their life and career. So, stop forcing them do something which they are not interested in.
Accept your children as a human being who have their own rights, own opinions and own preferences. As a parent, you definitely have a right to give good suggestions and support them in what they want to be. But, you don't have any right to make them feel guilty for not giving you what you want from them.
In the end, remember that, all what matters is the good mental health of your child and not the opinions of society. So, don't make your child the victim of your fake pride and irrational expectations. Let them be the human being with all creativity, immagination, dreams and desires. And learn to be okay with the fact that nobody is perfect.
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