Arousal Non-Concordance
May 26, 2021, by Psychosexology W/ Gayatri
Whenever your partner says, "Oh my God, you're too good" or "I'm so hard" or "I'm so wet", you think it means your partner is turned on. But, are they really turned on?? Or have you ever had a sex with someone and you were wet down there but, still felt like "I'm not into this" or "this is not what I really want".
If you are the one who feels the same way, then let me tell you, you're not the only one. And your feelings are totally valid. So, where the things are going wrong?
Our own misunderstanding, cultural attitudes and lack of knowledge about sexual desires have taught us to believe that someone is turned on if their body responds during sex. We believe that our bodies will fall in line when we have sex and we will get turned on. But, this isn't the truth. The truth is that our physical arousal is not as same as subjective arousal. Many people find mismatch between their physical arousal and subjective arousal. This phenomena is known as "Arousal Non- Concordance". It’s when you’re feeling really turned on but you’re not getting wet or hard. It’s also when your genitals respond to something but you find yourself thinking, “wait, I’m not actually feeling anything". Physical arousal is when your genitals are responding to a sexual stimulus (like porn or a partner touching you). Subjective arousal is when your personal assessment of whether that sexual stimulus is pleasing and turns you on.
If you're not able to feel the touch of your partner even when he/she is doing right thing or you're not able to get wet or find it difficult to maintain erection even when you really want sex so badly, then you might end up feeling that there is something wrong with you and your body. Or sometimes you might get wet or get erection but still not feel aroused. So, what is actually happening?? and where the things are going wrong?? And why you still get wet even when you don't feel the desire to do it??? To know the answers of all questions, you'll need to understand the term arousal. According to the American Psychological Association, arousal is a state of excitement or energy expenditure linked to an emotion. Physiological arousal is shown by responses such as increased blood flow to the genital area & increased heart rate. When physiological and subjective sexual arousal are not the same, arousal non-concordance occurs. If has found that the overlap between genital response and actual experienced sexual arousal in women is only 10% on average. On the other hand, men have an overlap of 50% on average, meaning that the likeliness of their genital arousal matching their subjective arousal is much greater as compared to women. It has found that arousal non-concordance is much more common in women than men.
If you're not able to feel the touch of your partner even when he/she is doing right thing or you're not able to get wet or find it difficult to maintain erection even when you really want sex so badly, then you might end up feeling that there is something wrong with you and your body. Or sometimes you might get wet or get erection but still not feel aroused. So, what is actually happening?? and where the things are going wrong?? And why you still get wet even when you don't feel the desire to do it??? To know the answers of all questions, you'll need to understand the term arousal. According to the American Psychological Association, arousal is a state of excitement or energy expenditure linked to an emotion. Physiological arousal is shown by responses such as increased blood flow to the genital area & increased heart rate. When physiological and subjective sexual arousal are not the same, arousal non-concordance occurs. If has found that the overlap between genital response and actual experienced sexual arousal in women is only 10% on average. On the other hand, men have an overlap of 50% on average, meaning that the likeliness of their genital arousal matching their subjective arousal is much greater as compared to women. It has found that arousal non-concordance is much more common in women than men.
So why are you wet or erected?
Who taught you that the reason behind your wetness always has to be a physical stimulation? You can get wet because of others factors too. Genital lubrication is a natural part of your physiological functioning. And it is important to protect you from injury and tearing. Lubrication is a self-cleaning mechanism that keeps you or your vulva clean, moist, and free from infection. You can also get wet from touch even if you do not find it arousing. Some women experience wetness during pelvic exams or even sexual assault. But, that doesn't mean that those victims wanted to have sex or get aroused. But it is just a simple physiological reaction to touch rather than an indicator of sexual arousal. This shows that even unwanted touch can make you wet but that doesn't mean that sexual stimuli was relevant or consensual. So, if you think that your partner is wet, doesn't mean you are able to turn them on. A genital response is not desire or pleasure, it is simply sexually relevant. The thing to remember is that the genital wetness does not automatically mean that you or your partners are aroused, it just means you are being exposed to sexually relevant stimuli.
Who taught you that the reason behind your wetness always has to be a physical stimulation? You can get wet because of others factors too. Genital lubrication is a natural part of your physiological functioning. And it is important to protect you from injury and tearing. Lubrication is a self-cleaning mechanism that keeps you or your vulva clean, moist, and free from infection. You can also get wet from touch even if you do not find it arousing. Some women experience wetness during pelvic exams or even sexual assault. But, that doesn't mean that those victims wanted to have sex or get aroused. But it is just a simple physiological reaction to touch rather than an indicator of sexual arousal. This shows that even unwanted touch can make you wet but that doesn't mean that sexual stimuli was relevant or consensual. So, if you think that your partner is wet, doesn't mean you are able to turn them on. A genital response is not desire or pleasure, it is simply sexually relevant. The thing to remember is that the genital wetness does not automatically mean that you or your partners are aroused, it just means you are being exposed to sexually relevant stimuli.
So, what can you do??
Masturbation is a great way to start
If it is difficult for you to get wet or get erection, try to do self detective work. Masturbation is always a great thing to start with. If you're someone with vulva, learn to explore your vulva and try out different stimulation techniques. Try to learn what kind of touch feels best to you. You can also use ciltorial vibrator when you're with your partner if he is not able to touch you well down there. Understand there are so many ways to experience arousal and attraction and desire. Remember, it's all about techniques and trying out different methods to stimulate yourself to feel pleasure.
Find your responsive desire
Sexual stimulation not always mean someone should touch you. So, find out different things which turn you on. Throwback to your last sexual experiences or try exploring new sex toys or tools or watch porn, read erotica. Does this fit for you?? If yes, then schedule a time to stimulate yourself and find out which thing works best. Unless and until you don't know what you want for yourself, you won't be able to tell your partner what you want from them. Do you think you get turn on by emotional bonding or feel most aroused when you are with someone whom you can trust? Try to build a bonding with your partner or be with someone who makes you feel secure.
Try mindful sex therapy
This therapy teaches to focus on the physical sensations that happen during sex and to learn to identify and notice negative self-talk, distraction or anxieties about performance, body image, ability to orgasm, etc. without judgement. Remember, mind and body share a great bonding. Try to build that bond.
Don't feel pressurised if none of these things work. Sometimes, reasons can be different. Like truma, history of sexual abuse, etc. So, if that is thing, try to seek the help of counselor or go to sex tharapist.
At the end of the day, you need to understand that sexual plasure is different to different people. All people are different and their mind works in differeent patterns. So, if one thing which works for you, doesn't mean it will work for them too. Or if you are comfortable with some kind of position or sexual stimuli that doesn't mean it will work for them too. So, it's very important to know what your partner wants and make sure they have given their consent to do so and they are present in the moment. You should listen to your partner when they ask what they want rather than relaying on the response from their bodies.
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