Is Your Mother Manipulating You???
June 16, 2021, by Psychosexology W/ Gayatri
Is your mother manipulating you??
Mother-child bond is considered as a most pure and unconditional form of love. That's the reason many people forget to throw a look at the dark side of motherhood. This might be hard to believe but, this is the harsh truth which can help you to know that some mothers are not really caretakers but, abusers and manipulators. It's true that, mother can give you love, affection and care that nobody can but, it's also the truth that mother can give you stress, anxiety, depression, insecurity, childhood trauma that nobody can. And unless and until you're willing to accept that this can be a real thing, you won't able to see the another side of your mother. Regardless of whether or not your mother is purposefully being toxic, there are several behaviors that can cause so much emotional and mental damage to you that it can affect you even after you have grown up.
If you have experienced any of the following situations then, there is a high chance that you have a manipulative and toxic mother :-
• She humiliates and mocks you.
She makes toxic jokes about you.
She mocks you for your behaviour, height, skin color, or academic performance or other things in front of friends, relatives or in alone. She doesn't leave a single opportunity to criticise you or humiliate you. She always tries to show you how smart and great she is and how dumb and useless you are which lowers your self esteem. So, you always end up depending on her for your decisions as you don't believe yourself anymore as she has killed your confidence by showing you how incapable you are for taking your own decisions.
If you have experienced any of the following situations then, there is a high chance that you have a manipulative and toxic mother :-
• She humiliates and mocks you.
She makes toxic jokes about you.
She mocks you for your behaviour, height, skin color, or academic performance or other things in front of friends, relatives or in alone. She doesn't leave a single opportunity to criticise you or humiliate you. She always tries to show you how smart and great she is and how dumb and useless you are which lowers your self esteem. So, you always end up depending on her for your decisions as you don't believe yourself anymore as she has killed your confidence by showing you how incapable you are for taking your own decisions.
• She makes you responsible for her happiness.
She blames you for everything you did in past, even if it was her mistake. And guilt trip you to make you feel that you are the one who hurts her alot and don't care about her feelings.
• She gives you silent treatment.
Everytime when you refuse to listen to her, she starts giving you silent treatment just to make you feel bad that how much you hurt her. It's just her way of manipulating you and your decisions. So, that you'll end up listening to her and accept her decision in order to make her happy.
• She fakes illness
This is also another tact of manipluative mother to abuse her children and blackmail them emotionally and to gain sympathy. So, whenever you try to tell your opinions or try to take a stand for yourself or do something against her will, she starts faking her illness and blames you for not taking enough care of her and as you care for her, you end up listening to her anyway. And this is how she get succeed in manipulating you.
• She uses your mistakes or secrets to control you
Whenever you try to voice your opinion and go against her decisions, she uses your past mistakes to blackmail you or to threaten you. Sometimes she also uses your secrets (like past relationship or love affairs,) against you to manipulate you.
• She tries to compare you
Manipulative mother compares your success with hers or with your friends or with your father. She always tries to show you, that you are not good enough and how great she is as comapred to you. And thus she end up making you listen to her and follow her orders.
• She doesn't respect your personal space or boundaries
Such kind of mothers always keep eyes on their children. And even enter into their personal space without their permission. She forces you to wear cloths of her choice, style the hair as she wants or check your personal things (like messages, diary, emails, letters) without your permission. She probably still issues you with instructions on how to behave, what to wear, and what to do, even when it's completely age-inappropriate. She also gives opinions on many aspects of your life and considers herself an expert in everything. She may give a reason that she cares for you or worried about you, but her final intention is to know everything about you so that she can control all areas of your life including your love life. She doesn't respect your privacy at all.
• She doesn't care about your mental health or emotions.
She doesn't care about how you'll feel when she forces her decisions on you. She will force you to obey her decision at any cost. She won't let you win any argument. For her it's all about winning the game or argument. She just wants to win. She doesn't take your emotions seriously. Such abusive mothers just fake emotions to make you feel secure but all they do is to control you by trying to gain your trust so that you'll share everything to them.
• She always tries to threaten you
• She gives you silent treatment.
Everytime when you refuse to listen to her, she starts giving you silent treatment just to make you feel bad that how much you hurt her. It's just her way of manipulating you and your decisions. So, that you'll end up listening to her and accept her decision in order to make her happy.
• She fakes illness
This is also another tact of manipluative mother to abuse her children and blackmail them emotionally and to gain sympathy. So, whenever you try to tell your opinions or try to take a stand for yourself or do something against her will, she starts faking her illness and blames you for not taking enough care of her and as you care for her, you end up listening to her anyway. And this is how she get succeed in manipulating you.
• She uses your mistakes or secrets to control you
Whenever you try to voice your opinion and go against her decisions, she uses your past mistakes to blackmail you or to threaten you. Sometimes she also uses your secrets (like past relationship or love affairs,) against you to manipulate you.
• She tries to compare you
Manipulative mother compares your success with hers or with your friends or with your father. She always tries to show you, that you are not good enough and how great she is as comapred to you. And thus she end up making you listen to her and follow her orders.
• She doesn't respect your personal space or boundaries
Such kind of mothers always keep eyes on their children. And even enter into their personal space without their permission. She forces you to wear cloths of her choice, style the hair as she wants or check your personal things (like messages, diary, emails, letters) without your permission. She probably still issues you with instructions on how to behave, what to wear, and what to do, even when it's completely age-inappropriate. She also gives opinions on many aspects of your life and considers herself an expert in everything. She may give a reason that she cares for you or worried about you, but her final intention is to know everything about you so that she can control all areas of your life including your love life. She doesn't respect your privacy at all.
• She doesn't care about your mental health or emotions.
She doesn't care about how you'll feel when she forces her decisions on you. She will force you to obey her decision at any cost. She won't let you win any argument. For her it's all about winning the game or argument. She just wants to win. She doesn't take your emotions seriously. Such abusive mothers just fake emotions to make you feel secure but all they do is to control you by trying to gain your trust so that you'll share everything to them.
• She always tries to threaten you
Even if you're grown up she still tries to gain control over you in every possible way. Her tone of voice is often all it takes to either paralyze you or galvanize you into automatic action. You get scared if you take decision on your own as you fear about how will she react. Even the thought of her scares you or discourages you from deciding what you want for yourself. Before every decision, you keep her feelings first and discard your own feelings only because of the fear of her manipulation and abuse.
What to do if you have toxic mother???
You may have a manipulative mother. But, first thing you need to understand that it's not your fault that she is treating you this way. Toxic mother is herself a product, not only of her dysfunctional upbringing but a largely male-dominated society. Toxic children who fail to heal themsleves end up becoming toxic parents and then such parents pass on that toxicity and trauma to their children subconsciously. And this cycle goes on unless and until someone tries to break the cycle by healing their inner self. But for that, you firstly need to know that you have toxic mother and need to accept that she is trying to manipulate you. You won't be able to heal yourself unless and until you accept that you need healing. You can learn what's causing it to happen, and how to move forward in a productive and healthy way. You need to understand that toxic parents most often had toxic parents too. A toxic family system is frequently inherited, causing damage to generation after generation. The toxic system is thus not something that toxic parents invent, but rather a result of the accumulated feelings, rules and interactions that have been handed down from ancestor to ancestor. It's like the abused become the abuser. Hurt people hurt people. Research shows that emotionally abused children are more likely to be emotionally abusive parents.
If you are not sure whether your relationship with a mother is abusive or toxic then, you don't have to use a label if you're not sure. You can seek the help of counselor. And can start your journy of healing.
What to do if you have toxic mother???
You may have a manipulative mother. But, first thing you need to understand that it's not your fault that she is treating you this way. Toxic mother is herself a product, not only of her dysfunctional upbringing but a largely male-dominated society. Toxic children who fail to heal themsleves end up becoming toxic parents and then such parents pass on that toxicity and trauma to their children subconsciously. And this cycle goes on unless and until someone tries to break the cycle by healing their inner self. But for that, you firstly need to know that you have toxic mother and need to accept that she is trying to manipulate you. You won't be able to heal yourself unless and until you accept that you need healing. You can learn what's causing it to happen, and how to move forward in a productive and healthy way. You need to understand that toxic parents most often had toxic parents too. A toxic family system is frequently inherited, causing damage to generation after generation. The toxic system is thus not something that toxic parents invent, but rather a result of the accumulated feelings, rules and interactions that have been handed down from ancestor to ancestor. It's like the abused become the abuser. Hurt people hurt people. Research shows that emotionally abused children are more likely to be emotionally abusive parents.
If you are not sure whether your relationship with a mother is abusive or toxic then, you don't have to use a label if you're not sure. You can seek the help of counselor. And can start your journy of healing.
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